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Zulius
You got Zulius. I'm busy being fabulous. Deposit hot goss here.
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Oh, Babe, I can one hundred per cent believe that! I just want to give you something to wear that's not a shade of brown. There are so many other colours, Ed. So many.
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I have clothes in other colors! The clothes I came here in, they're blue and white with a dash of red. [He's just...not going to tell Zulius he stole them from a man he killed.] The 21st century's fashions are just louder than my usual tastes.
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[Don't tell him that, Edward. Just don't. He's happier not knowing.]
Ugh fine. You need more than one outfit that's got colours in it. After all, you are living in the 21st Century now. You gotta move with the times.
Buuuut we'll start with the hat.
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[It’s a bit more complicated than that, but he honestly does want to know.]
I’m moving with the times well enough. Anyway—open your back door, mate, I’m here.
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[Zulius is too stupid for such knowledge!]
You're doing the best you can!!! On my WAY, Babe.
[He trots down to open the door with a grin- he needs to see what curse has befallen his poor pirate friend. ]
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Edward pushes past Zulius with a brief hello, shut the door, then, after a quick glance around to make sure they’re alone, reluctantly takes his hood down.
One of the cat ears has a notch in it.]
That Barney, [he flatly says,] is a devil in a purple costume. I’m sure of it.
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That's adorable. Luckily for you I have experience in suddenly waking up with animal parts, so I'll save you the mocking commentary because I'm nice. C'mon upstairs, I'll see what I can do for you.
[He starts leading Edward up the winding staircase to his ridiculously pink apartment. He does frown a little, confused.]
Wait. Do you mean like...the dinosaur? From the kids show?
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Oh, this is soft. Where do you get these things?
[As for Barney, he coughs.]
He started the fight. All I did was put a quick end to it. [He kicked Barney in the nuts.]
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I mean, that came from my old place in New York. I think I got it from Joybird? I've had it a while.
[He's kept it because it's a damn good couch and has seen more than one tired app user crash on it since.]
...So you're telling me, dear sweet Edward, that you fought beloved children's character, Barney the Dinosaur, emissary of friendship and togetherness and you won? Arrrrre you gonna tell me why?
[Edward you can't kick beloved children's characters in the nuts!!! He snorts in amusement, turning to his table where a selection of hats are waiting.]
Okay, so I picked up a BUNCH of hats that might suit you. We gotta work around the ears, but that's okay, we got plenty!
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[The only places he knows that sells furniture are IKEA, Wal-Mart, and Target. Joybird sounds like a nickname for a very cheery person, which Edward currently isn't, judging from how the cat ears twitch in annoyance.]
He didn't seem like the emissary of much else other than throwing the first punch at someone who was only asking a question. [He sniffs.] If that bastard's a role model for children, I'd be worried that we're not only teaching them to start fights, but to lose them too.
[He's still bitter about this, somehow! Despite the fact that he, objectively, won!]
...oh, that one looks a lot like Thatch's old hat.
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[Bless his adorable little old-timey heart. ]
...Wow, really? My worldview has been shattered. Who knew that Barney was all out for punching pirates in broad daylight? Wow. I mean...congrats on kicking the ass of a beloved children's character, I guess?
[Edward what is your life, honestly. He grins, passing over the hat in question.]
Yeah? Give it a test drive, see what you think!
[There are a million mirrors in this place, he has plenty of choice to pick. ]
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[That actually startles a snicker out of Edward. The cat tail sways under his cloak.]
Thank you, he deserved it.
[He sticks the hat onto his head and stands up, walking over to a mirror while adjusting it a bit. Should Zulius take a look, he might just notice a little cat tail peeking out from under the cloak, swaying slightly as Edward moves.]
Hah. Will ya look at that, it does look a bit like Thatch's hat. You know, he grew this great long black beard and used to tie lit fuses under his hat, just to terrify people? I saw him do it one time.
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[Sorry, Edward, your boss buddy is a rich fucker.
He notices the tail, he truly does! Luckily, Zulius is not one to mock sudden body changes. Once half of your body turns into a zebra, you find yourself in a much bigger place of sympathy than most. ]
Wow, tail too, huh? How many holes did you need to make in your pants?
[Pants are a long gone thing for him now, but still. He understands.]
Holy shit, really? I mean, honestly if someone came at me with a FACE on FIRE, I'd be pretty spooked too!