![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
IC contact
Zulius
You got Zulius. I'm busy being fabulous. Deposit hot goss here.
VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION
 "un/finished")
|
TO:
SUBJECT:
|
code by
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
cawaiicode by
cawaiicode by
cawaii
code by
cawaii
|
TO:
SUBJECT:
|
cawaii
text; un: neoteric | between Christmas and New Year's
[He figured some things out a few days ago and has been slowly driving himself insane trying to sort through emotions on his own; time to call in expert advice.]
no subject
Well hey there, Sweetie! I've ALWAYS got time for you! Do you want to drop by the apartment? Do we need cake? Is this a cake-level kind of advice day?
no subject
Cake is probably wiser than drinking, at least.
I'll drop by shortly, then.
[It does take a little time to get from Meropide to the surface no matter what, but he'll arrive at Zulius' door in decent time. Maxima's generally pretty good at keeping on an even keel, but there's a distinct anxious tension in the way he carries himself today.]
no subject
Oh yikes, so we're at least borderline "would prefer a drink" level. DULY noted. I'm gonna get one of the BIG cakes out.
See you soon, Honey! We'll get this fixed for you, don't you worry!
[ Zulius is pretty damn confident in his ability to help a friend out of just about any situation. He likes giving advice! He's good at it!!!
When Maxima arrives and Zulius opens the door to him, he's immediately worried. There's a tension in his friend he doesn't normally see, so he opens the door wider, inviting him in. ]
Oh, Sweetie, something's got you so wound up tight. C'mon in. Let me hear all about it.
no subject
He'll allow himself to be escorted to a seat while he tries to remember how exactly he wanted to explain. But in the end, there's really no way to start except to come out and say it.]
I've fallen in love with him, and I don't know what to do.
[He doesn't think he needs to explain who he means; Zulius already knows all about the situationship with Lighter.]
no subject
He was in the process of cutting some cake when Maxima just drops that immediately. He pauses - hand still mid-slice. He takes a moment to process that information, his zebra ears pricking up. One might believe this is the time for squealing and I KNEW ITs - but Maxima came to him for advice and he's clearly going through it.
So Zulius hums softly, finishing slicing the cake, putting it on a plate, offering it up to Maxima, before hopping onto this couch to sit. Maxima is right, of course, he doesn't need the clarify the who - Zulius is already fully aware. ]
Well. That is a conundrum. That sort of thing just creeps up on you out of nowhere, right? Everything is fine one moment and you're having fun and then suddenly it's like the ground is out from under you and you realise that you're super duper in trouble! Trust me, I've BEEN there.
[Oh boy has he! He pokes at his own slice of cake a little bit.]
I can give you my advice, buuuuut you're probs not gonna like it.
no subject
I'm here because I keep arguing myself out of every option I can think of. Either you have something new to say that I haven't, or you'll get to hear some of those arguments and maybe we can actually come to a conclusion about them instead of just running myself in circles.
no subject
Good. Glad to hear that, Honey. I'm here to help as much as I can, okay?
So let's start real easy. How long have you been feeling like this? Like... when did the line between "well this is just kinda fun" turn into an "oh no, I'm in trouble deep"?
no subject
...It's been a long time coming, I think, but...the holiday season definitely played a part. All the...atmosphere of togetherness, and...and then gifts. Particularly with his birthday falling shortly after Christmas. ...Thinking about what to get him that would be appropriate to our relationship without crossing the lines that we've set...led me to realizing that not crossing that line was becoming more difficult.
no subject
Yeaaaaaaah, that's where it gets you sometimes. When you actually start looking for the line and realise it moved when you weren't looking. Or... I guess you probs got closer to it without realising it. It happens! You guys have been through a lot together and the bonding sure does start shifting what's casual into not casual you know?
[He sighs softly. Maxima did come for advice, and he's going to give it. ]
HONestly? I think you should tell him. You're feeling the feeling, and that's only gonna get bigger and heavier to carry the longer it goes on. This sort of thing? It doesn't just go away. Once you've caught those feelings, they have a habit of just taking up more of your headspace until you can't ignore it any more.
[He chuckles ruefully. ]
And then you might do something TOTES crazy like blurt it out in the middle of the super public thirst post. [ He will never live that one down, nope. ] So I say... do it while you have control over it, while you like, have a good grasp on it. I know this feeling, like, makes you feel like you've got no power over it, which is... kind of how love works. But you can choose to grab this by the horns and pick when you tell him, before it starts eating you up inside.
no subject
[He held himself back from entering any sort of relationships for ten years, but that doesn't mean he spent that decade being a stone statue emotionally.]
But...it's different, since we are seeing one another casually. I'd have to stop that, and he'd ask what changed. Or...if I tell him, then he'll be the one to suggest backing off. [He grimaces a little.] ...He might already know, he's been...there's a distance in him, a tension. I've only just become aware of how deeply I feel and some part of me is sure I'm already losing him.
[He takes a deep breath, holds it a few seconds, lets it out slowly.]
And then there's...the nature of my presence here. As if the situation weren't awkward enough already, let's not forget that I'm only in this world temporarily.
no subject
[ Maxima is his friend, he wants him to have good things! He wants him to be happy, and as complicated and messy as this might be... well, surely the chance of happiness is worth taking? ]
Honey. [ It's said softly, gently - full of support and love. He puts a hand on Maxima's shoulder, gives it a squeeze. ] You don't know for sure he'll suggest backing off. Maybe he's feeling the exact same thing you are. Sure, there's always a chance he's not but... god, it's got to be better to get all of this out than let it fester and make both of you hurting and miserable. Neither of you deserve that - and don't you think you both deserve the truth instead of that?
[ Zulius clucks his tongue at that, his ears pinning back. ]
So? I could walk out of my theatre tomorrow and get hit by a bus. Everything is temporary, Honey - only the immortals get the luxury of being sure of things. Sure, you're not FROM here and maybe someday you'll go back to wherever you came from. Or maybe you won't. But don't you think that's all the more reason to grab everything by, like, BOTH hands and enjoy it while you've got it? What good will it do if you use all your time here just pining and being miserable about it?
no subject
[He swallows a little, leaning into Zulius' hand as he forces his breathing to stay even.]
It wasn't safe, at home. Not just because it wasn't safe to be, ah, 'out of the closet', as people say here. But the sort of politics I was engaged in... My parents were killed for being a thorn in the government's side, and when I decided to follow in their footsteps anyway, I knew I would meet the same fate. That anyone close to me would end up sharing it, or abandoned, or worst of all could be used as leverage to compromise me. I grew accustomed to...sacrificing my present, in the name of a future for people I might never meet.
And I will have to go back, one day. My work isn't done. The Empire is fallen, but the future we wanted, the goals we all sacrificed so much for, still haven't been met. I'll go home one day to finish that work, and...everything I've done here will just...evaporate. Like it never was.
[He's drifted off-topic, but the context he's operating from is important. He's so used to holding himself back that, at the end of the day, anything else seems terrifyingly dangerous.]
He's such a good man, Zulius, better than he lets himself believe. I want him to be happy, he deserves to be happy. If I confess, even if he feels the same and agrees to take the chance...I could end up leaving him with more pain than joy, and I myself would have no idea. ...They say when we go home, we forget anything we knew of our time here. I won't even be able to miss him, because I won't remember he exists. What sort of long-term partner would that make me? How can I ask him to be the only one to pay that price?
[A shiver runs through him, hard enough that his fork clatters against his plate briefly, and he sets both down while he tries to get the tremor under control.]
Can you tell me it will be worth it?
no subject
That sounds like a whole lot of responsibilities, Honey. It sounds like a lot of what you need to do for the world - big changes on the horizon with you at the helm, huh? It's pretty impressive, like, big sacrifices you've got going on there to make things better.
[He clucks his tongue again, it's a move usually only reserved for Vergil when he's said something so monumentally stupid that there is no saving him. It's a questionable honour that Maxima is getting it.]
Which is why it's flunking stupid. So, what? You give up on all happiness to help things back home? You get to fix things but you have to be miserable and alone to do that? No way, that's dumb. You're being dumb. I need you to, like, riddle me this Maxima, what sort of world are you striving for when just one person has to give up on being happy to make it come true? Sounds like a PRETTY miserable world to strive for if you ask me!
[ He's not done yet. He tried to lead this the gentle way, now it's time for the full-blown Zebra Treatment. Maybe it might sink into Maxima's skull then. ]
AND OKAY, so you have to go home one day, does that mean nothing you do here matters? Not a SINGLE person or thing you do while you're here matters? Because, Babe, if you think that, it means you think I don't matter and I KNOW you are not that stupid to think that. Don't you think the fact it's temporary makes it matter all the more? I sure do! It makes it real flunking precious, as far as I'm concerned. I know our friendship is precious and if it'll end one day, it means I can appreciate and value EVERY day we got.
[ He's on a roll now, there's no stopping him. Maxima started this train ride and now he's just going to have to cling on for dear life until the zebra's done. ]
You're a good man, dummy! You're both good men! And you both deserve to be happy! And, again, I CANnot stress this enough, no one can predict the future! You think I'd just dump Vergil because he might get his stupid ass killed when he's fighting some monster because it would hurt me to live through that? NO??? Of course not, because I'm not CRAZY. Stopping yourself from being happy because you can't predict when you'll part in the future is freaking INSANE. You are being insane. And stupid! Which I already mentioned.
[It bears stressing! Just in case he didn't get the message. Still, he sees the tremor, and he sighs, taking Maxima's hand and giving it a solid squeeze. ]
I can tell you that it would be worth it to let yourself be happy. And I think you both deserve the chance to talk to each other about if you think it's worth it to be happy together, don't you?
no subject
'You give up on all happiness to help things back home? You get to fix things but you have to be miserable and alone to do that?'
When he started living this way, it was under the assumption that 'the rest of his life' would be 'a few more years, until the government decides he's too much trouble'. He hasn't entirely processed that outliving the Empire means he's actually going to have the rest of a lifetime to live out, in whatever way he chooses.
Slowly, as self-awareness begins to sink in, Maxima seems to slump and fold in on himself, hanging his head. His voice when he answers is soft and sounds a little bit lost.]
...I've told others the same. That they deserve to be happy here. I'm...already happier here than home would ever allow me to be. ...But I can't let myself think like that.
[If he does, he'll be tempted to stay. To call this place his home instead. To abandon all of the work and all of the sacrifice, all of the people who gave their lives for a future they hoped would one day come to pass. What gives him the right to walk away, when he survived to carry on their dreams?]
What did all of my friends die for, if the last person who remembers them walks away from the work we all pledged our lives to?
no subject
You tell other people that because you are a good man who wants other people to be happy. But you keep denying yourself that SAME kindness, which is super mean to a really good person, don't you think? It's you, BTW, the good person is you.
[ Zulius shrugs, and his answer is a simple one. Zulius doesn't talk about his past life all that much. Aside from his herd, the rest of it is horribly depressing, and he tries not to think about it. But it has a place here, so.]
My past life was fighting in a wholeass war that spanned, like two entire worlds. The last thing I remember from it? We were all headed across both those worlds after the war had ended to try and rebuild them both, because weirdly, a decades-long conflict with an eldritch death monster kinda messes up the lives of literally everyone. There was a lot of rebuilding left. Like, a LOT a lot! And those two worlds were joined again after being separated for so long. It was messy.
[ He has a point, he really does! ]
If I'd come fresh from that life as an Otherworlder? And like... if I'd found happiness here? I don't know. I'd like to think my family would have been glad I found something that I found worth staying for. Like, I'd found something good to live for despite all the awful that we went through. Even if it meant I wasn't there to help rebuild it. Because, and here's the kicker Maxima, so I hope you're listening really carefully.
[He leans in a little, to impart his great centaur wisdom. ]
There's more than one way to carve a future and let people's dreams live on. Sometimes it's not as grand as fixing some massive problem or rebuilding something broken. Sometimes, you let your loved one's dreams carry on by living, instead of just being alive. that way their dreams and work live on through you in a different way. And that way is no less important or precious than the other. Because you're no less important or precious. Your life and your happiness, like, matters just as much as the world you're trying to mend.
no subject
This is, he suddenly realizes, the lesson that that train had been trying to impart to him all the way back near the start of the year. He hadn't been ready to grasp it then, not in the short span of two weeks, although he'd come out of the experience beginning to change anyway.
He thinks back on the things he saw then, on the bonds he's formed since. He's so much more invested in this place now than he had been. He has a title and an office and a community around him. He took the time to make stockings with everyone's names on them because he wanted them to feel at home in Meropide.]
I have...always loved my home more than it loved me.
[That's a truth so painful it nearly chokes him, but he's ready to say it out loud now.]
...And during the festival, Santa Claus told me my parents are already proud of who I am.
[Anyone else he would have argued that he hasn't done enough to be proud of yet, or claimed it was a platitude, but from Santa Claus himself, how could he do anything but accept it? The memory has his eyes sparkling with moisture.]
Oh, I...I really have been unkind to myself, haven't I?
[He takes a deep breath, holds it, lets it out slowly, and doesn't speak again until he's sure his voice will come out steady.]
Thank you, Zulius. Truly. I didn't...have any idea my story might awaken such things for you as well.
no subject
His expression gentles, his ears dropping sadly. ]
I mean... I didn't wanna just right come out and say it, but yeah. That's the vibe I got, Honey. It sounds like you've put everything into that place and it doesn't sound like it gave much at all back.
[ That shoulder gets another squeeze. ]
Of course they are! Why wouldn't they be? Look at everything you've done! You're doing amazing every day, Sweetie! I'm proud of you, so obvi your parents would be.
[He says that like it's the simplest thing in the world. Water is wet. Sky is up. ]
You've been super unkind to yourself, and it's my personal opinion that you should stop that, like, immediately. Because you are someone who does not deserve that from anyone, much less yourself. But if you want someone to help give you pointers on doing that, I am an expert. I can show you all my moves!
[ He lets out a breath, waving a hand. ]
Don't mention it, HAPPY to help. And...yeaaaaaah. My past life was a lot of yikes. But a lot of good too - because I got people who I loved, and who loved me and we helped each other heal, you know? That's a super important part of the healing process. The whole love and support thing others thang.
no subject
[Even now, with all his illusions finally broken, he doesn't regret the choices he's made so far. He believed his people could become a force for good in the world - what shame is there in having that hope? He returned home to help guide people who were willing to help his countrymen, to save those who were suffering, because he knew the land and the culture, because his expertise could save lives.
But...that doesn't mean that he has to stay forever. It doesn't mean that he has to accept that the rest of his life can only ever be dedicated to this.
And if he's really honest with himself, his belief was damaged badly on the day he tried to go home and they shot his ship out of the sky. He still tried to cling to the hope that they could become better, but deep down he's stopped truly believing that they'll ever make that choice, and that's not a good place for someone in his position to be.]
You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take a little time to sit with it, I think...think about what I actually want for my own life.
[He smiles slightly; there's a sadness around his eyes, but he seems relieved, too. Definitely a good deal lighter than when he came in.]
...And to work out how I want to speak to Lorenzo. Even if...he isn't interested in pursuing more...I truly can't justify keeping the truth from him.
no subject
[ And sometimes that's all you need. Understand the grey parts between. Accepting that there is more than you ever originally thought. Good stuff - healthy stuff, that helps you grow as a person.
Zulius smiles, small and genuine. ]
Good! I'm super glad I did, and you should take some time to think about it. Those are BIG thoughts to have, they'll take time to work through. But what's important is that you're ready to do that. I'm so proud of you for realising it's time for you to do that, though!
[Ah yes, Lighter. Zulius nods his head. ]
Letting it out is important. It's way better than letting it fester. And you'll know either way, right? And it'll be a weight off either way - though I'm really rooting for you guys.
[ He holds his arms open. ]
You want a hug? I think you need a hug.
no subject
[He looks at Zulius' open arms hesitantly...and then relaxes, smiling ruefully as he leans in for a hug. What point would there be now in insisting on some pretense of dignity and restraint?]
Thank you, Zulius. For everything.
no subject
[ There's no dignity here! His tall ass can just come lean in to cuddle this shorty zebra man, and he is going to enjoy it! Zulius pats his back gently. ]
Natch! Absolutely any time, Honey. I'm here for you! And I will be here for you to celebrate or commiserate once you talk to him too! I prommy!